Roller Coasters

I've ridden my fair share of roller coasters, and have most likely been on my last one roughly thirteen years ago or so. They are not my favorite things. Nor am I terribly fond of emotional roller coasters.

I am simply left without understanding how one day a person's spirits can be up and the next day down. Yes, there are life events and outside factors that can contribute, but overall (for me anyway) I am either on or off in regards to my inner being. Which in turn, affects everything I do in a day. When I am off, I have to work so hard at accomplishing much. The black and white details of the day are easy enough for me, which I am grateful for. It is the projects - the motivation - for much else that suffers during my off times.

I know I need to allow myself more time to embrace this new life of mine. And I have a double whammy that it has hit during the time of year that I struggle through the most already.Which is odd because I have always said I enjoy the cooler winter months. But it is not the cold so much, as the transitional state of the new year I think. January is always such a month of in between-ness . I want to feel completely on top of things and know the path set out before me and be joyful to venture forth. The problem arises when my inner being feels off. So how do you get through that in between when everything about your life is in between, including your emotions? One day up and one day down, and neither explainable.

Today, I am off. And it just seems to spiral from here. I like Newton. It has awoken parts of me that only come alive when I travel. It has such a great blend of availability. Our new house is more than charming, and it comes together more and more each day. Although, it would faster if I felt on to accomplish much.

I'm forcing myself to take steps and allowing myself grace when I don't take many. For instance, on Wednesday mornings, I have joined a group of ladies studying Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther. I was gripped with fear last Wednesday and fully felt all the change I was experiencing. Then the video talked on fear and being brave. Thank you God for basically shouting out to me that I was where I needed to be, and giving me your Word to walk me through it. The weekend followed and it was good. I felt good; on. Driving to church, I was thankful to have realized that my old Sam was making appearances again on a regular basis. We were going to make it through this time of transition. And, I was productive. What a great feeling.

But today...deep sigh...Why? I don't understand. Maybe the Bible study was again a reminder of all that I have lost and all that I have gained. Maybe I am responding to the challenges that Beth lays before you in your journey to deliberately live "for such a time as this". Maybe it was reading the Corn church newsletter and officially seeing our names off the prayer list, and not seeing my birthday on the February birthdays for the first time in eleven years; knowing that it is time for us all to move on and embrace this new chapter, and making peace if others find it embraceable sooner than I do. Maybe it was sitting down to read just now the article written from a new friend up here, but that talked about his childhood and a tragic farming accident experienced near Corn. Maybe it was knowing the people he had talked about in the telling of his story; hearing in more detail for the first time, something that I had only heard in passing that happened sixty years before.

Maybe, it is all these maybes.

Realistically, it is all these realities.

And so I journey through the offness of today. And I will allow myself grace to walk through it. Allow myself the time to type here rather than tackling any choice of projects that await me, until it is time to wake up Dellen and pick up Sam from school. All the while, hoping that the emotional roller coaster mellows out soon.